EDITION No. 45
July - Aug 2005
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If
anyone wishes to contribute a
joke, please send it to us at
ZFA, Kiryat Moriah, P.O. Box 92, Jerusalem 91000, by email to
israeloffice@zfa.com.au or
roshushan@hotmail.com
We could do with a laugh!
Basic Guide to Aussie Life
1.
The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.
2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.
3. Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art
gallery , there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a
sausage sizzle.
4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a
media billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.
5. There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato
sauce.
6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing
them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.
7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic
milk crate.
8. All our best heroes are losers.
9. The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from
the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.
10. It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.
11. A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine
example of Australian footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber
thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped.
12. It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By
contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".
13. Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be
traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s,
and the development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship".
Alternatively, Australians may just be really hopeless with names.
14. The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to
himself, but to the mosquitoes.
15. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth
fixing.
16. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one
that has the swimming pool.
17. It's considered better to be down on your luck than up yourself.
18. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the
family drinks too much.
19. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend
all night drinking the host's beer. (Don't worry, he'll have catered for
it).
20. If there's any sort of free event or party within a hundred
kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go.
21. The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take
everything you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the
car, you're not trying.
22. Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your
front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or
leaning on the fence is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what
backyards are for.
23. The tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor.
24. On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus
grog battle that can only ever be solved by leaving the food behind.
The following jokes was contributed by Hannah Baum
One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside
the local chemical plant and in a blink it exploded into flames. The
alarm went out to the fire departments from miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical
company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret
formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be
saved.
I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact.
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire
departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.
As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now
$100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret
files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came
into sight. It was the nearby Jewish rural township volunteer fire
company composed entirely of menschen over the age of 65. To
everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine operated by this
Jewish Fire Department passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside
the plant.....and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside the other firemen watched as the Jewish old timers jumped off
and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen
before.
Within a short time, the Jewish old timers had extinguished the fire and
saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such
a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over
to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Jewish fire
fighters.
The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film
asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Vell," said Abe Hertzfeld, the 70-year-old fire chief, "the foist thing
ve're going to do is fix the brakes on that feshtunkena truck!"